Raiders of the Lost Spark

The Altered State of Silence

Kierkegaard, likely the greatest Protestant Christian mind of all time, said:
“If I could prescribe only one remedy for all the ills of the modern world, I would prescribe silence.“

I never used to enjoy silence. I always needed dialogue. This constant need often manifested in detrimental ways. Constant external dialogue left me in a state when I was also in a constant state of internal chatter. Quietly reflecting was akin to obsessing as I couldn’t stop the noise; I was unable to enter a state of contemplation without fixating. I attribute part of my current near-bliss state to embracing silence as a daily requirement. Yoga, meditation, contemplation. Despite the doctrine and dogma, this is one of the reasons I enjoy going to various church services. They provide the environment for me to enter this place of quiet reflection. With this practice comes an increase of patience, tolerance, understanding, and joy. Kierkegaard was certainly wise.

For the past several weeks, I have been attending a bible study class. No matter what the doctrine or dogma, I am steadfast in my belief that, in the end, it’s all the same. We are separated by words, when in the end, we share so much commonality. Despite the fact that I am, at best, a spiritual agnostic, I find intense inspiration in evangelical Christianity – perhaps because it has a certain element of magic to it. Raised Catholic, I fell away from religion for a number of years during my teenage years and never thought about it twice. However, for the sake of familial ties, I begrudgingly attended a Baptist service several years ago. Surprisingly, I thoroughly enjoyed it – more for the joy of the people than the actual content – but it was a start. Since that time, I have explored and experienced a number of “flavours” of Christianity. Resonating the highest with me have been Christian Science, Baptist, and Pentecostal. The miracles of Christian Science, and the magic of the evangelical Baptists and Pentecostal Christians strike a deep chord with me.

Sitting in bible study, it’s quite apparent that I share strikingly different beliefs than the other ladies. I keep silent out of respect. It’s their faith, and I have no desire to combat or challenge it. However, I am able to take the concepts and ideas and fit them into my own and I derive benefit from them. I enjoy the prayer circle as it is a meditation of peace for me, and I am blessed by putting out positive and healing energy to others.

I feel as though I’m experiencing a homecoming to God. I used to be hell-bent on excluding God from my life. Now, I would prefer to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I appreciate the fact that my partner was raised with religious parents. I appreciate the fact that my step mother is very strict in her faith and enjoys my company at her church. I appreciate the fact that she has family in Guelph who welcome me with open arms into their place of worship. In the past, I was sorely determined that any wedding I might have would be purely secular. In looking toward the future, I’m not interested in the possibility of a church wedding, but I wouldn’t feel the need to completely exclude God either. I love my current relationship with the divine; a relationship that is all my own.

“Joy can be real only if people look on their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.” – Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

In the past week, I wrapped up a 2 month intensive study on Edgar Cayce. One of the concepts that particularly struck me was with regards to relationships, soul mates in particular. I have had a certain belief in the concept of soul mates. My past has several romantic relationships that burned with the intensity of a roaring fire (and I have been convinced that the individual involved was my soul mate), yet fizzled out as if being rained on. When a relationships begins with such energy, is it actually sustainable for the long haul? It has made me question whether a person should, in fact, be in a romantic relationship with an individual who they have a certain timeless connection with. With this connection, it seems likely that a certain amount of emotional unhealthiness could also possibly arise. Cayce suggests that even if there are two souls who have “worked together” in the past, they should not necessarily seek each other out in the present. Selection of a partner should not be made solely based on physical attraction as it will fade; selection should be based on spiritual ideals, mental aspirations, and physical agreements.

This has made me think of my current relationship. We never went through the NRE (New Relationship Energy) stage. In the past, a lack of NRE would have made me believe that something was wrong and the person was not someone I should be with. In the present, I see my lack of NRE as something healthy. Rather than the blinding glare of NRE love, I am experiencing something much more subtle. My current situation is comfortable. In the past, comfort would have signified a lack of passion; a downward journey. In my current mindset, this comfort is something that I want to hold onto and continue to experience. It’s not a stagnant comfort, but one (I hope) with potential for a life time of growth. Appreciation, comfort, contentment, care, respect, and the pleasure of experiencing another human being who is, in many ways, like myself. There is a quiet joy in this. I don’t think he is my soul mate; I hope he will turn out to be my life mate.

I am finally going to explore the Kalpa Bhadra Buddhist Centre in Guelph:

“Heart Jewel” with Lamrim meditation

The Heart Jewel sadhana together with meditation on the Lamrim ( Stages of the path to enlightenment ) is the daily practice of all Kadampa Buddhists. Engaging in this practice we receive the blessings of all enlightened beings. Through the power of these blessings we make progress in our practice of Lamrim. Heart Jewel practice is especially powerful to increase and protect our wisdom and with wisdom we can always solve our daily problems.

It’s not just a romantic love… I am filled with such a love for life these days. My heart and soul are full and everything is magical.

Is it a miracle or a mystery? Perhaps a bit of both. I am blessed.

I am currently reading The Mystery of Love by Marc Gafni.

“It is not good for all our wishes to be filled; through sickness we recognize the value of health; through evil, the value of good; through hunger, the value of food; through exertion, the value of rest.” – Greek Proverb

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions; I believe in goals and dreams. This is what I wrote at the beginning of 2009. My life has certainly changed since then. While 2008 was fantastic, 2009 was challenging. It was brilliant, painful, inspiring, and heartbreaking – a cornucopia of deep feeling. Love lost, self found. I shed enough tears to fill an ocean, but discovered the hope and strength to find my way through the darkness.

I was laid off from my project management job and spent several months finding myself and redefining my goals. Similar to 2008, I traveled and studied. I spent a good deal of time touring Ontario wine country, and visited my favourite haunts in Ottawa, Quebec, and Michigan. I drank tequila in Ensenada, explored the mysterious beauty of Iceland, and stood at the top of Mount Baker, Washington. I learned some additional modalities in energy work, applied to the American Institute of Holistic Theology, achieved my ACB (Advanced Communicator Bronze) in Toastmasters, and joined the Guelph Guild of Storytellers. I took several advanced CSS 2.1 courses and became a whiz at designing table-free web sites. My client base has grown exponentially and I am enjoying the prosperity that comes with repeat business from work well done.

2010 has seen me make some serious decisions about my future – in terms of career, finances, health and human connection and I am excited and passionate about everything that this year will bring.

Goals for 2010

• A full detoxification of my body, mind, spirit
• Be continually conscious of my health and diet / fully embrace a raw food lifestyle
• Get back into yoga and martial arts
• Finish and submit all coursework for yoga teacher training
• Attain my Zend Certified Engineer designation
• Achieve my ACS (Advanced Communicator Silver) designation in Toastmasters
• Become the Guelph Area Governor for Toastmasters

2009/earlier goals that didn’t make it

• Learn Flex – not sure I am going to bother anymore
• Return to Halifax (Easter?), visit San Francisco (in the Spring perhaps)
• Apply to grad school – not sure I am going to anymore
• Get my Registered Practitioner status with the Canadian Reiki Association – still a goal
• Write my exam with the Certified Personal Trainers Network – not sure this is a goal anymore
• Master of Herbology with Dominion Herbal College – still a goal

Happy 2010… and may the new year bless you with health, wealth, and wisdom… and hope.

“Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.” – Vaclav Havel